Ok so this pretty much just made my day. I think life is now complete...
I can die now...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
The fading
slowly, softly she twirls
throughout the world
simply fading away.
Like the running water
like an ignited flame
she captures the eyes
before she withers away.
The weight of a cloud
as thick as the blood
that is a drop in the cup of water.
She is in the mouth
she fills the lungs
slowing killing
as she dances in the light.
Sometimes in white
or maybe shades of gray
she plays until blown away.
She finds her life
in the embers of her passion
but even her source of life
slowly burns away.
Dancing, ever dancing
how she is romancing
how she is entrancing!
...Until breath she cannot endure
Until smoke she is no more
She is but a puff
and simply fades away.
throughout the world
simply fading away.
Like the running water
like an ignited flame
she captures the eyes
before she withers away.
The weight of a cloud
as thick as the blood
that is a drop in the cup of water.
She is in the mouth
she fills the lungs
slowing killing
as she dances in the light.
Sometimes in white
or maybe shades of gray
she plays until blown away.
She finds her life
in the embers of her passion
but even her source of life
slowly burns away.
Dancing, ever dancing
how she is romancing
how she is entrancing!
...Until breath she cannot endure
Until smoke she is no more
She is but a puff
and simply fades away.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My Life ?
The royalty must die like common beggars and petty thieves...
Letting whomever is reading this know that this post is not for those who are easy to judge. There will be things you do not agree with in this post, but this is MY blog. Suck it up or don't read it.
"Nigel, MY purpose for your life begins today..."
Those are the words God said to me the second day of the youth camp "desperation" and I knew God had me there. Three years ago I really believed God called me into the ministry as a pastor. Seminary, pastoral counsel and discipleship were beginning to become as real as my days of highschool, yet as fictitious as the end of a dream.
Then it all fell apart when I lost my virginity.
Today, I sit here, seemingly dreaming at the notice of my "acceptance" to DLA (Desperation Leadership Academy). The thing God was calling me to, the way He was providing for me to reach His purposes. I've come a long way since 18 and I have a long way to go, but everything....EVERYTHING has just been training, preparation...boot camp for the rest of my life. It's odd to think about, thinking you had a plan for your life, though somewhat uneasy about it. I am so CERTAIN and trusting in God that the journey this pilgrim must travel has finally begun. It makes me happy.
And yet...at the same time...I've never been struck with such a selfish mindset daily in my life. A huge piece of me desires to spend the next ten years doing whatever the hell I want.
I want to move to colorado (not for DLA) and grow pot and smoke it for a year, maybe two. And just live like that, chillin always. I might sell, I might have a job, my days, however, will be filled with weed and the writings, readings, paintings and pictures from yours truly.
I'd like to be a night shift gas station clerk at a sketchy gas station. There is a kind of crazy those clerks see in people that is usually reserved for the asylums. Being a little off in oneself they probably do not get bothered very often except for the occasional robber, in which case I would pull out one of my guns and kill him.
I want to be a nomad. Traveling no where. Eating whatever. Living...ya. Travel with weirdos, spazmatics not knowing destination but that's not what it's about. It's about the journey. Meeting new people.
I'd also like to marry a friend of mine, Jenne. I don't know her that well, but I've never had a bad time talking to her and she likes to have fun. She's extremely funny, cute, ambitious and the type of person that "doesn't give a fuck". I don't know if it'd work, but I'd never stop trying.
This is more fantasy than reality but I'd like to become an assassin. They are not good. I know. But the thrill. Of the kill...having complete control. Seems a little sadistic, but tell me one person who is NOT crazy in the confines of their own mind and I will check myself into a psych hospital.
I'd also like to be a scuba diving instructor. There is so much beauty we don't see on a regular basis merely for the fact that our feeble human bodies cannot live without air. Such a plentiful gas, yet one substance it can't penetrate and our lives (if we can call them lives) end.
I guess that's what it boils down too, I don't believe that I've "lived" it up. Do I want to party and have huge orgies and do every drug known to man? No. I simply desire the adrenaline of any of the life-styles above.
It's odd, I've never had such impulsive thoughts in my life until I decided on my future. What I decided is that I don't have a future apart from God's plan and purpose for me...which is awesome. It's love. But when I make a decision finally, other opportunities become more...desirable. It's a struggle but I know I'm making the right decision.
Still, I wouldn't live the ways I presented forever. Around thirty I would have probably come back to reality. Just ten years.
That would just be a third of my life at the end of it. It's not THAT bad. I guess.
Speak truth into me
my life I leave
Don't let me go I plead
You are God and I love you.
Letting whomever is reading this know that this post is not for those who are easy to judge. There will be things you do not agree with in this post, but this is MY blog. Suck it up or don't read it.
"Nigel, MY purpose for your life begins today..."
Those are the words God said to me the second day of the youth camp "desperation" and I knew God had me there. Three years ago I really believed God called me into the ministry as a pastor. Seminary, pastoral counsel and discipleship were beginning to become as real as my days of highschool, yet as fictitious as the end of a dream.
Then it all fell apart when I lost my virginity.
Today, I sit here, seemingly dreaming at the notice of my "acceptance" to DLA (Desperation Leadership Academy). The thing God was calling me to, the way He was providing for me to reach His purposes. I've come a long way since 18 and I have a long way to go, but everything....EVERYTHING has just been training, preparation...boot camp for the rest of my life. It's odd to think about, thinking you had a plan for your life, though somewhat uneasy about it. I am so CERTAIN and trusting in God that the journey this pilgrim must travel has finally begun. It makes me happy.
And yet...at the same time...I've never been struck with such a selfish mindset daily in my life. A huge piece of me desires to spend the next ten years doing whatever the hell I want.
I want to move to colorado (not for DLA) and grow pot and smoke it for a year, maybe two. And just live like that, chillin always. I might sell, I might have a job, my days, however, will be filled with weed and the writings, readings, paintings and pictures from yours truly.
I'd like to be a night shift gas station clerk at a sketchy gas station. There is a kind of crazy those clerks see in people that is usually reserved for the asylums. Being a little off in oneself they probably do not get bothered very often except for the occasional robber, in which case I would pull out one of my guns and kill him.
I want to be a nomad. Traveling no where. Eating whatever. Living...ya. Travel with weirdos, spazmatics not knowing destination but that's not what it's about. It's about the journey. Meeting new people.
I'd also like to marry a friend of mine, Jenne. I don't know her that well, but I've never had a bad time talking to her and she likes to have fun. She's extremely funny, cute, ambitious and the type of person that "doesn't give a fuck". I don't know if it'd work, but I'd never stop trying.
This is more fantasy than reality but I'd like to become an assassin. They are not good. I know. But the thrill. Of the kill...having complete control. Seems a little sadistic, but tell me one person who is NOT crazy in the confines of their own mind and I will check myself into a psych hospital.
I'd also like to be a scuba diving instructor. There is so much beauty we don't see on a regular basis merely for the fact that our feeble human bodies cannot live without air. Such a plentiful gas, yet one substance it can't penetrate and our lives (if we can call them lives) end.
I guess that's what it boils down too, I don't believe that I've "lived" it up. Do I want to party and have huge orgies and do every drug known to man? No. I simply desire the adrenaline of any of the life-styles above.
It's odd, I've never had such impulsive thoughts in my life until I decided on my future. What I decided is that I don't have a future apart from God's plan and purpose for me...which is awesome. It's love. But when I make a decision finally, other opportunities become more...desirable. It's a struggle but I know I'm making the right decision.
Still, I wouldn't live the ways I presented forever. Around thirty I would have probably come back to reality. Just ten years.
That would just be a third of my life at the end of it. It's not THAT bad. I guess.
Speak truth into me
my life I leave
Don't let me go I plead
You are God and I love you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Best Times
Mmm. Coffee. Blanket. Bible.
Everyone is sleeping.
It's perfect.
There are so many different people out in the world. Big, small, colored, white, funny, shy, loud, rude and sometimes you come across someone who is just a joy to be around at any given time.
No matter how many different people there are, I will never understand why the majority of them abhor mornings.
Mornings give us the option to start right, start whenever, or not start at all. If you don't like morning coffee, make some kool-aid. If you'd rather pray than read scripture, do that, but whatever you do make sure that it helps you get going. Unfortunately every step we take in life has consequences further down the road and at times they may come faster than you think. Whatever it takes to start your morning right, DO IT. If you can't be joyful in the beauty that is a new day, you're hopes of being happy the rest of the day lessen greatly.
It's not a certain thing that you will have an awful day if you have eggs instead of pancakes in the morning (or visa versa), but there is a "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" mentality that you keep throughout your day. People suck, they don't need help. Get up, freshen up, enjoy your moments of solitude because they are fleeting. Start right, or stay in bed.
So yesterday I came back to Paris on a surprise visit. The faces of friends filled me with fullness, especially since they were all *very* surprised faces.
We got our sonic happy hour on and visited the franklands, how I love that family. I think I could sit and talk to all of them for days and days and not grow tired.
I'm almost done with photos I needed to edit two months ago, it's nice to be so close to being done with something that you've been irresponsible about.
So satan's really been trying to fill my mind with Leta. I don't really think about her anymore, but since this dumb girl at a party randomly came up to me and said "didn't you and leta used to be like, an item?", it's been harder and harder to push those thoughts outta my mind. God is bigger than them. I do know that. Calling His name makes those thoughts retreat. So that's good. God - 1,000,000,000, Satan - 0.
quiero mas cafe
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