Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Spouse(s)

The thought of marriage is something everyone thinks about at some point in their existence. Whether it be out of desire, hate, satisfaction, completion, planning or spontaneous.

When you finally believe that you have found that person, your heart sinks into the acidic pits of your stomach, but can't be burned because the love emanating from every artery of your heart is a shield to all that will attempt to hurt it. It is this love that makes our knees weak, our jaw unhinged until we salivate so much, it fries our brains until we can only babble like idiots at their presence.

And then two years later you find out how much of a Bitch they can be.

This is not a hate post, a broken heart post or otherwise. It is simply stating facts of life that we will all encounter when not following after the plan set for us by God. Not a plan of control, but of hardship, because lets face it, love ain't easy. God loves us whether we like it or not. And he will love us forever. Just sayin.

Anyway, just had a convo with the ex, she honestly believes herself to have completely turned her life around and now is "greater than thou", only it is out of her resilience towards any standard of living that "frees herself" from these humanistic ways of thinking us lowly ex boyfriends must retain.

She's a crazy psycho hose beast from hell.

Friday, January 22, 2010

My Choice

Every choice unwillingly has consequences on people known or unknown to you.

The actions we take will affect everyone around you one way or another. A life lesson to be learned from this is how those people answer your unspoken call is completely up to themselves. You may have opened a door to them, but they choose to walk through it or not.

To continue thinking that you made a person a certain way by the mistakes you made is not only self-destructive and problematic to others around you, but it is also extremely narcissistic.

Every choice we make has the potenial to butterfly effect in everyones life, seen or unseen. People are by nature products of their environment. They are imperfect, react and are all subject to murphy's law, they do however, always have a choice. They can choose to clam up, push people away, resort to humanistic ways of escape, keep the baby or not. We must always know that it may be the cause of pain, but is not the cause of choice. People either choose to react or respond. And that is their choice, and their choice alone.

What we do after wards is yet again, our choice. We can continue hurting ourselves looking for a way of escape, whether it's escaping what you know is right or what you know will ultimately help, or we can choose to give up the pieces. We are always saying how we are broken after something traumatic has happened, but that is always a chance to start anew.
I once was reading about chains, that held us to our past, being broken and it inspired me to start fresh. Upon said revelation I found a little dog tag chain that was unclasped. I proceeded to carry it around throughout the day as a sign that I am letting go of the past and moving on. It wasn't until I lost the chain that I realized that, metaphorically, I was continueing to hold onto the very chain I was freed from.
Those chains of old may have been broken, but we need to stop picking up the pieces and just let go completely to find true freedom.

Finally, to think for one second that you are the cause of someone elses path they now choose to walk is very vain. You are not the author of their story, you are not God in their lives who looks down on people and makes them do one thing or another. It is probably one of evil's best trick to make you think that you have all the control. Control of your own life, control of circumstances, control of her, him or them. It is most certainly a chain that is to be let go of.

The answer is simple, the choice is hard, but not out of reach.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Self

Flirting.

I have been told that latinos are more likely to be very forward with their flirting than most. There are no studies on this, no statistics or proof. There is only information.

Sipping on my Starbucks iced coffee I peacefully read my book in the brisk, beautiful sunny and bright day. My thoughts, blocked by the writers imagination on paper drew me into the characters and their lives. Ignoring all human senses other than that of thirst I drifted into a land of make believe.

Upon the climax of my story was the urgency to utilize the facilities. =)
Placing the book down, I made my way to the bathroom when I ran into two young, attractive girls I had never met.
"Should I mix banana smoothie with my chocolate smoothie? Or do you think that would taste bad?" The slightly more attractive one said to the other.

My first intial thought, nay, my first impulse was to explain to her the difference in taste between the two and start up a conversation that would lead me to explaining to her my history with Starbucks. Perhaps this would spark her interest.
I quickly regained consciouseness and continued on my previously unhindered path to the bathroom.

Why was it, that my first thought or REACTion was to flirt, woo, and or create a "connection bridge" which had no other purpose other than to get her affections for later purposes?
Was it my charismatic personality? Was it "Sin"? Was it lust?
Has my mind become so used to the idea of having someone care for me, that I go beyond my previous purpose (almost unconsciously), out of my way, in an attempt to get in her pants?

My mother once told me that she believed that one really starts having a handle on another language when they start dreaming in it.
A statistic showed that to make something a habit (doing something without thinking), you must consciously preform it over 35 times.

Have I degraded to the very disgusting male malicious behavior I abhorred? The Status Quo Men have in our days is one easily met, because it completely focuses on his own needs and desires. He has become society's detritus in his attempt to "hit it and quit it".

Focusing on the negative will not help me or anyone else. My habits are vicious right now, but that doesn't mean I have to continue living like that, though long learned habits aren't easily broken.

Creating new habits that will lead me away from the status quo is not easy, especially for one with a sexual past as colorful as my own. Treating woman how man was created to treat her, respectfully, honest and with a heart to watch out for HER safety are the habits that I want to posess when encountering situations that will present themselves in the future to come.
Or maybe I shouldn't be so A.D.D. and just use the bathroom when my body tells me too. =P