Sunday, October 31, 2010

My Regular


The sound of people chatting filled the single and open room. An aggregation of conversations filled the air. Several ladies in the corner laughed and giggled at how cute each of their hairstylists were, a seemingly somber couple addressed a number of issues, a young adolescent and a well versed middle aged man discussed “obedience” close by, but all of this was white noise to the ever vigilant studier, Sarah Asher.

A straight “A” student, she calmly read, highlighted and “dog eared” pages in her text book. From time to time she would frantically jot down annotations in her note book and forever seal them in her mind. Occasionally her hot coffee (or tea, depending on her mood), would grow cold as she would get lost in her information overload and she would need to get a refill to re-excite her taste buds. From the outside looking in, she had her life in order. In college she was successful, in her swim team she was consistently pushing herself to be better and not the least bit unattractive. No one, however, really saw her with any group of friends, not even one. People tried to befriend her and would get rejected with walls of excuses; they would just tell themselves “it’s a necessary sacrifice for academic and physical success”, to lessen the pain of rejection. Sarah, even, would say those exact words to keep her mind off of the real reason she kept to herself, her and her books. She knew they were excuses, but as long as she told herself them, she didn’t have to think back on her horrendous childhood.

From childbirth, she was unlovable by her parents. A bastard child is what the world calls her, a beautiful creation is what God calls her. That beauty, that love was so inaccessible to her because of the walls of security she built brick by brick around her heart. Confused by the sexual abuse her father unnaturally forced on her and the lack of sympathy her mother would give her began adding up by the age of five. Nights meant for adventure stories and fairy tales were drowned in the alcohol her father consumed each night, her views of beauty, distorted by a mother who would disappear several nights a week, returning the next morning, makeup smeared. By the time middle school rolled around, she found that if she locked herself away in her room and studied hard enough, she could block out the sound of constant fighting between her two dreadful parents. Someone could be finally proud of her accomplishments, her test scores and gold medals, even if she was the one giving the praise.

The abuse and neglect continued all the way through high school. There was no prom for Sarah, there was no “girls night out”, not even a desire for communication with piers, for that was untrustworthy. From time to time, she would look up from her books while in the library to see friends chatting over coffee, but then sink back into the corner of her heart, into the walls of security, the walls of prison. She knew it was prison, she knew she was chaining herself up on the wall, further and further away from the bars that kept out pain, further into the dark.

And this is where she finds herself today, a regular Starbucks patron. Determination written on her face, shame etched on her heart. The constant books and workouts don’t fully block out past memories or hurts, she knows this, but this prison is all she’s known. All her life. It’s comfortable. It may be prison, but she calls it home, and her heart grows darker each day she spends in it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Purposes


I don't know what the purpose of this first anecdote was, other than Satan trying to piss me off. And it sucked, donkey balls.

Tuesday night was the first night I got to lead the prayer room, for three hours! Three straight, flat out, no interruptions time with G-dawg. New Life Church has now begun a 7 days a week, 24 hours a day someone always praying movement. They have 56 different people praying for 3 hour periods all at different times of the week so that every minute of every day there is someone praying in the prayer room. It's awesome. I have my three hour block from 9pm to 12am tuesday nights.
It was great! Spending that much alone time with my maker was so fulfilling and I could feel Him moving! I asked God what He wanted me praying for and I got "1st hour - offering up yourself. 2nd hour - Interceding for DLA and The Furnace. 3rd hour - Praying for those who need healing (that included those who's hearts hadn't accepted Jesus). It was great time, I can't wait to do this all year, and hopefully for the rest of my life.
Then it was time to be done, already an hour past my curfew, I had to make my run to wal-mart fast, so I blitzed over to the first wallly world closest to me. My mission - to pick up 10's to 8's ear gauging rings. This walmart did not have it, frustrated I asked a representative how to get to another one. She told me I had to drive quite a ways down Academy to the wal-mart on powers, which was close by my house.
Rocketing once more down what was an urban road which I so pleasantly made an interstate by the speeds I had been commanding, I was off. Several miles down the road the lovely city of Colorado Springs began to look... sketchy. More graffiti, low-riders and baggy shorts (with which I was sure carried an assortment of illegal firearms)all at 1 o clock in the morning. This was def a place I did not want to be lost. Further and further I drove, the more fear and sweat filled my car. Finally freaking out because I didn't want to be here and the fact that wal-mart didn't seem to be drawing any nearer I made a turn towards the direction I knew my house rested. Several other turns later I found myself hopelessly lost in a neighborhood. So unbelievably pissed off, I back tracked and somehow...found myself at the wal-mart. Relieved and pissed all in one, I stormed out of my car, towards the blue building. I noticed some guy on a weird looking machine was running over all the lines in the parking lot when I realized he was re-painting them. Only too late did I notice this for when I lifted my foot to check the bottom of my sole, a huge yellow line was war painted across one of my chucks. Scraping off what I could, I made it into wally world, with not a single representative in sight to open the earring case for me. Frantically I ran all over the store until 10 min later I found someone who could find someone to help me, thank god he was high out of his mind. *rolls eyes*. I didn't get someone who could help me for another 10 min.
At last! Success! I quickly made my way to the only register open, and low and behold, it was *that* guy.
"That guy" is always referred to someone who is so cosmically placed in your life (only to ruin it) that you cannot deny the evil forces against you.
That guy is always different, depending on the location or time of day. Unfortunately , I was in Wal-mart...past midnight. He was the guy who buys every piece of useless crap on every shelf and brings two karts up to the only line available. As if it weren't enough he was "that guy" but he was also the worlds slowest kart unloader on the planet. I had but two items (earrings and new pair of shades). TWO ITEMS! He had the entire store in his kart.
After what seemed like an eternity, it was finally my turn. I paid for my crap and started walking for the door. Easy. Only when I entered the section inbetween the store and ultimate freedom, the guys who were working on the electrical system for the doors screwed something up. I was stuck for another two minutes before they could actually open the door for me, and I'm sure they were making fun of me in their native Swahili tongue.
It was a great...rough night.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Journey


So God rocks. He does. If you don't know this, then choose to be with Him. Don't "try" God. You can't "try" Him. Go hard or go home.

Wednesday was great, we spent most of our day in meetings for our "tribes". The tribes are things we are placed in charge of - such as the college group, the highschool group, planning or accounting. I...am very fortunate for I have the highschool kids (DSM - Desperation Student Ministry). They are the bomb dot com. You can't *not* have fun with them.

Ok, the fun part was not all the meetings about our tribes, it was setting up for our "Desperation night". That was the night that the Desperation band came out and played for over 12 different highschoolers, counting up to about 300-400 kids. The desperation band, first of all, is one of the greatest worship bands out there. If you havn't listened to them, you do not know what it's like to weep because of the love of Jesus.
So yes! We set up for that aannnd as we were getting our assignments (door greeters, name taggers, chair setters) I was pulled aside and asked if I could take the photos for the night!! OMG. It was awesome. I've never been "asked" to do that, I always just kinda do it cause I want to. So I was taking pictures of the bands, the kids, the prayers. IT. WAS. Awesome.
Probably the best part was when the pastor said his five min speech and asked who doesn't know the love of the Lord. About twenty kids raised their hands and accepted Jesus that night. It was awesome, but what was also cool was while they were praying with the pastor, was when I was walking through the crowd takin shots and I'd pass people and just hear "..nd take their hearts for yours God and..." "...rd they need you, be mighty in them to..." "...ace in their lives YOU every day Go..."
That was so cool, hearing all these believers praying for their new brothers and sisters. So cool.

Oh and a kid who hobbled in with crutches was healed and walked out carrying those very crutches. NBD (No Big Deal). NBD because THAT'S the God I believe in.

This weekend the guys have been serving a Men's retreat as the waiters and dishwashers, which is fine and dandy, but we are IN... the mountains. I do a 180 degree turn and see nothing but what looks like exploding aspen (cause the leaves are turning) and mountains. It's so beautiful.
Kylan and I rented mountain bikes and biked through the mountains for about two hours. I took my camera and got shot...after shot...after shot. It's so pretty. I'll put some up soon.
We got back and played some beach V-ball...in the mountains. Nothing better.

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Adjustments

I was born to die. That the Son may live. Let the nation see. I was born to die.

A week ago, those words were just empty breaths, escaping my lungs. His love was real last week, this week, it's alive.

Time, these days, is so irrelevant. I spend several hours a morning in time of prayer, devotion and worship to the One true King. His love abounds in my life and my prayers. "The prayer of the righteous availith (sp?) much".

Sunday I had orientation. I met my leader, my accountability group and other interns whom I now consider family. In all honesty, orientation was bloody boring. =) We did get to do our "junkyard wars". The 12 (?) highschools that attend the youth for New Life Church all came and battled on fields of victory and defeat. We pitted highschools against one another in capture the flag and other games. All in all, it was a success.

Monday was a great connecting experience. We had team building exercises. Our magic boots we wore, our planks we walked, our push ups we persevered through. On that first day we learned that it wasn't that our goal should be to finish strong, it was to rely on each others strength, listen and trust in them. Some we finished, others we left incomplete, but in all of them, we rallied together and was victorious because we were a team. We suffered as a team, we celebrated as a team. Win.

We had prayer that night and of course, it was awesome. We prayed for each person one at a time, restoring hearts and sending forth warriors for the year that is to follow. The team grew stronger in Him.

Afterwards we all gathered together to go bowling, which wasn't as promising as it seemed. There was a league going on and the wait was too long. So we decided to forgo the destruction of armies of white pins and indulge in our sweet tooth. We all went to get ice cream and learned more about each other. We told stories of our past, bonded and shared.

Tuesday was quite the same. Much prayer, great teachings and more prayer. I, personally, already made some stellar friends. Kylen, Taylor, Talisha, Levi, Dori, Annie, Caleb and James are just a few of the names of my new family. I think this year is going to be one of the greatest years of our lives.

Wednesday night we had DSM (Desperation Student Ministry). It's for all the youth. Before DSM, however, we all prayed, worship and connected with God for the hour before for the youth and students. After and hour of that I felt ready to praise God. Which sounds weird because we just praised for an hour, but it's very hard to pray and praise when you are doing it on your own strength. It was great, being able to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice for Jesus and because of that our praise was heard by the heavenly host from above. I already love all the youth. Some are obnoxious, some quiet, some friendly and others clickish. Still, their heart for the Lord is evident and apparent. Which is a plus in my book.

I am going to go back a little and say that the first few days were the hardest because I wasn't sleeping well at all. Come around Wednesday I came to find out that most of my brother and sister interns were having to endure sleepless nights as well. An attack against us came from below as Satan and his armies attempted to hold us back from growing and learning. So we prayed and we are all sleeping so well now. =D

I have to cut this post short for I need to make it to worship practice. I love you all and am praying for you.

<><

Friday, September 10, 2010

My New Beginning (teaser)

The smell of fabreze remains fresh in the room, two queen beds are occupied by my family while I take the fold out couch bed, all in all this was not too bad of a hotel.

Come the marrow I will begin my new life in Colorado Springs, Interning with Desperation. I guess I should get started on my novel...

This particular blog is just the beginning of many posts to come, but for now I must sleep, another six hours of driving awaits me tomorrow. =)

Love always,
Nigel Elvis <><

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Thesinglegreatestvideoever

Ok so this pretty much just made my day. I think life is now complete...




I can die now...

Monday, August 16, 2010

The fading

slowly, softly she twirls
throughout the world
simply fading away.
Like the running water
like an ignited flame
she captures the eyes
before she withers away.
The weight of a cloud
as thick as the blood
that is a drop in the cup of water.
She is in the mouth
she fills the lungs
slowing killing
as she dances in the light.
Sometimes in white
or maybe shades of gray
she plays until blown away.
She finds her life
in the embers of her passion
but even her source of life
slowly burns away.
Dancing, ever dancing
how she is romancing
how she is entrancing!
...Until breath she cannot endure
Until smoke she is no more
She is but a puff
and simply fades away.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My Life ?


The royalty must die like common beggars and petty thieves...

Letting whomever is reading this know that this post is not for those who are easy to judge. There will be things you do not agree with in this post, but this is MY blog. Suck it up or don't read it.

"Nigel, MY purpose for your life begins today..."

Those are the words God said to me the second day of the youth camp "desperation" and I knew God had me there. Three years ago I really believed God called me into the ministry as a pastor. Seminary, pastoral counsel and discipleship were beginning to become as real as my days of highschool, yet as fictitious as the end of a dream.

Then it all fell apart when I lost my virginity.

Today, I sit here, seemingly dreaming at the notice of my "acceptance" to DLA (Desperation Leadership Academy). The thing God was calling me to, the way He was providing for me to reach His purposes. I've come a long way since 18 and I have a long way to go, but everything....EVERYTHING has just been training, preparation...boot camp for the rest of my life. It's odd to think about, thinking you had a plan for your life, though somewhat uneasy about it. I am so CERTAIN and trusting in God that the journey this pilgrim must travel has finally begun. It makes me happy.

And yet...at the same time...I've never been struck with such a selfish mindset daily in my life. A huge piece of me desires to spend the next ten years doing whatever the hell I want.

I want to move to colorado (not for DLA) and grow pot and smoke it for a year, maybe two. And just live like that, chillin always. I might sell, I might have a job, my days, however, will be filled with weed and the writings, readings, paintings and pictures from yours truly.

I'd like to be a night shift gas station clerk at a sketchy gas station. There is a kind of crazy those clerks see in people that is usually reserved for the asylums. Being a little off in oneself they probably do not get bothered very often except for the occasional robber, in which case I would pull out one of my guns and kill him.

I want to be a nomad. Traveling no where. Eating whatever. Living...ya. Travel with weirdos, spazmatics not knowing destination but that's not what it's about. It's about the journey. Meeting new people.

I'd also like to marry a friend of mine, Jenne. I don't know her that well, but I've never had a bad time talking to her and she likes to have fun. She's extremely funny, cute, ambitious and the type of person that "doesn't give a fuck". I don't know if it'd work, but I'd never stop trying.

This is more fantasy than reality but I'd like to become an assassin. They are not good. I know. But the thrill. Of the kill...having complete control. Seems a little sadistic, but tell me one person who is NOT crazy in the confines of their own mind and I will check myself into a psych hospital.

I'd also like to be a scuba diving instructor. There is so much beauty we don't see on a regular basis merely for the fact that our feeble human bodies cannot live without air. Such a plentiful gas, yet one substance it can't penetrate and our lives (if we can call them lives) end.

I guess that's what it boils down too, I don't believe that I've "lived" it up. Do I want to party and have huge orgies and do every drug known to man? No. I simply desire the adrenaline of any of the life-styles above.

It's odd, I've never had such impulsive thoughts in my life until I decided on my future. What I decided is that I don't have a future apart from God's plan and purpose for me...which is awesome. It's love. But when I make a decision finally, other opportunities become more...desirable. It's a struggle but I know I'm making the right decision.

Still, I wouldn't live the ways I presented forever. Around thirty I would have probably come back to reality. Just ten years.

That would just be a third of my life at the end of it. It's not THAT bad. I guess.

Speak truth into me
my life I leave
Don't let me go I plead
You are God and I love you.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Best Times


Mmm. Coffee. Blanket. Bible.

Everyone is sleeping.

It's perfect.

There are so many different people out in the world. Big, small, colored, white, funny, shy, loud, rude and sometimes you come across someone who is just a joy to be around at any given time.
No matter how many different people there are, I will never understand why the majority of them abhor mornings.
Mornings give us the option to start right, start whenever, or not start at all. If you don't like morning coffee, make some kool-aid. If you'd rather pray than read scripture, do that, but whatever you do make sure that it helps you get going. Unfortunately every step we take in life has consequences further down the road and at times they may come faster than you think. Whatever it takes to start your morning right, DO IT. If you can't be joyful in the beauty that is a new day, you're hopes of being happy the rest of the day lessen greatly.

It's not a certain thing that you will have an awful day if you have eggs instead of pancakes in the morning (or visa versa), but there is a "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" mentality that you keep throughout your day. People suck, they don't need help. Get up, freshen up, enjoy your moments of solitude because they are fleeting. Start right, or stay in bed.

So yesterday I came back to Paris on a surprise visit. The faces of friends filled me with fullness, especially since they were all *very* surprised faces.

We got our sonic happy hour on and visited the franklands, how I love that family. I think I could sit and talk to all of them for days and days and not grow tired.

I'm almost done with photos I needed to edit two months ago, it's nice to be so close to being done with something that you've been irresponsible about.

So satan's really been trying to fill my mind with Leta. I don't really think about her anymore, but since this dumb girl at a party randomly came up to me and said "didn't you and leta used to be like, an item?", it's been harder and harder to push those thoughts outta my mind. God is bigger than them. I do know that. Calling His name makes those thoughts retreat. So that's good. God - 1,000,000,000, Satan - 0.

quiero mas cafe

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Name(s) (above all names)

The Lamb that was slain
Blood drips from His Mane
Hear His mighty roar
in the Rain that is His name
He will downpour
but not be shaken
For He is the Rock
do not be mistaken
He is ruled by no clock
For He rules all of time
as He Shepherd's His flock
He is the Shrine we look up to
knowing that Sin is beat
and Death - Defeat
by the powerful Physician
who is in the position
Paying no tuition other than Blood
He died. Oh El Shaddai
You are the Adonai
The Giver and Healer
the Lover and the Sealer
of the promise.
These are the Names to Praise Him.
Elohim,
sometimes revealed in a dream
serving the winning Team
He is the King of Kings.
The Lord of Lords
is to be adored
Yeshua and Immanuel
Over comer of Hell.
Alpha and Omega
the First and the Last
Lover before there was Past
Hope of the earth
after the Future
giving us worth
healing our sutures.
These are the Names to Praise Him.
You are the Word
to be heard
forever we are safe
for You even feed the birds
No longer a waif.
I call you Savior
but you are Creator
and in my behavior
I will not waiver
and when I do
you find favor in me.
The ultimate Priest, Jesus
You slay the beast
we hunger for You God
The satisfying Feast
To Jehovah we applaud
The Prince of Peace.
The Husband and Father
Conquering the grave
You are the Son sent to save
and You pave the way down this narrow path.
After the aftermath of Your wrath
in Truth I stand
Abba,
Author and Bread of Life
You are no knife
But rather The Sword
The Harpsichord of Holiness
Comforter, Commander, Christ.
These are the Names to Praise Him.
All Consuming Fire
You never grow tired
being the Cornerstone in which we rest our faith.
Deliverer and Gentle Whisper
Holy Spirit guide me
Light of the World provide me
Messiah and Leader.
Master when I'm cold be my Heater.
Mold me like clay
Oh Ancient of Days
be my Rabbi and say
here you stand
know that I AM.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

My Deluge


1st day working in the rain -

Andrew and I got to the first house we were gonna mow the lawn for. It was looking like it might pour, so we sat in the car hoping to wait it out so we could go home early. Lady luck was laughed in our faces until we finally sulked out of the car. Trudging towards the trailer to take out the mower and weed eater I could hear a faint....static sound. Almost like white noise in the distance, calling for attention. It wasn't until I unlocked the trailer door that I looked up. That's when I saw a wall of thousands of water droplets rushing towards us. After only a second of hesitation I quickly ran for my life back to the truck, leaving andrew (wearing headphones), bewildered, to his watery fate. The deluge hit me right as I jumped in the truck, andrew...was not so fortunate. When he finally jumped in he was dripping wet. It was amazingly awesome. This onslaught of hydrogen and oxygen kept us at bay in our safe-house of a truck for the next thirty minutes. We called our boss and he told us to go work other jobs and come back.

2nd day of working in the rain -

So many frog deaths in one day. The last rain spawned forth an army of frogs that I'm sure in numbers, rivaled what Moses called forth some thousands of years ago. My weather map told us rain was on it's way, another early day is what corey, andrew and I were hoping for. What we were NOT hoping for or even expecting was the massive amount of frogs there were. Sadly, with my weed eater I killed several small frogs. Chopping in half, splitting open and decapitating the little babies was quite rough. I could feel my soul knotting up. Then some fat, doofus toad decided it would be a good idea to hop IN-BETWEEN my spinning strings of death, from behind a tree. All I saw was a huge toad fall into my weed eater, then get shot back like a rocket in between my legs. I stopped working and stood there, horrified and unwilling to look back at the carnage that resided just behind me.
That's when it started pouring. The rain broke one of the blowers, so when I finished weed eating I noticed nobody else was done mowing, so I had to blow. If you've ever tried blowing off thousands of pieces of WET grass off a drive way...it's not easy. It takes forever and all the while the rain relentlessly continued it's barrage from above. 1st rain day > 2nd rain day. But it was nice just being able to...be still. I may had been working and grass may had been blown in my face all day, but when no one can hear you, and you can't scream loud enough for a listening ear to pick you up...you feel free. Free to let your mind relax, run on auto pilot for a bit while you sort things out with God. It was a good time.

Rain rain go away by Breaking Benjamin just came on my shuffle

Sunday, July 4, 2010

My Time Wasted


"Girls are stupid, they should have rocks thrown at their heads."

I somewhat miss when the puppy love heartbreaks were the hardest things going on. When the greatest and highest law of life was that your mom had to drive you around to where ever you wanted to go. Back when I would run through the highschool hallways because I was late for class and run into people like anna hill, rebecca campbell, brian purkiss and others.

Life was so simple back then. The only worries I had was getting my homework done so I could call my friends before it was bedtime. Countless sleepless nights spent finishing procrastinated spanish homework. Persecuting parentals plagued my person.

Now I have a job that pays for my car, gas, phone, (soon rent and food), school full time and hopefully a social life.

I really did take for granted the time I had when I was in highschool.

*le sigh*

I haven't read my bible today, maybe thats why I'm so pissed off.
Or maybe the realities of life are finally catching up to me and I did nothing to prepare for them...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Deaths


In every path you choose
Your life, you'll loose

May it be towards self
life, you now place on the shelf

But be it towards Christ
In your death you gain life

These roads are side by side
one is narrow, one is wide

Make the time now, the time to choose
Give up your life, so death you'll lose.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Door


"I'd rather be hated for who I am, rather than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

For those of you who don't know who that is, he was the 'leader' of the band "Nirvana". He ended up blowing his brains out after their first album, which hit number one spots on many radio stations.

Statistically speaking, the majority of psychologists have serious issues themselves that they work out with shrinks, doctors and meds.

My old bible study leader was an amazing speaker. Someone who was driven by the Holy Spirit and loved the Lord with all her heart. She knew her scripture because she knew her Lord.
She suffered heavy depression and dealt with it on a regular basis. That didn't make her any less of a great teacher.

Sometimes lessons that make us our strongest must first make us our weakest.

David - A great King of Isreal; Today we would call him a sexual offender.

Job - A light for everyone to have faith; Today the world would accept him as someone who doesn't deal with their problems and in need of psychological help.

Moses - A leader chosen by God; Today the world would criticize his stutter and tell him he should write a self help book instead.

Sarah - God told her she would have a baby, even at her old age she kept the faith in His promises; Today the world would tell her to give up, it's physically impossible. Then they would marvel at the "medical breakthrough" of her having a child and then make sure she had people who would take care of their child after their "soon to be" deaths from age.

We know God wouldn't give them a child unless he prepared them to be able to raise him right.


What this world says is not helpful, God makes perfect. Beautiful. "Don't let anyone bring you down because you are young"
I (not adding to the Word) say don't let anyone bring you down, EVER. God doesn't use us like we are, we suck. Pieces of filth. It is only after we give up our weaknesses to Him does He send us on missions. Missions to save lives, rescue people from this dying world.

If you love Jesus, you are born twice and die once.
If you don't, you are born once...and die twice.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, I think because of recent events taking place, being as weak as I am right now, I just need to write this down to assure myself that God is working amazing things in me and my friends.
It's truth. Even if I'm being a little hysterical. I know His promises never fail.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Storm

Hannah sits beside me, Rachel's melodious voice bounces off the empty walls, my new friend Alex attempts to make the Marte's tv produce sound. It's already a fun night.

Today was a long and muggy day. After I was able to block out the sounds of bugs buzzing by my ears, the day became almost...peaceful. A great time for thought. Peaceful pastime . Tranquil treaty. Captivating conciliation.

There was a rather tempestuous storm last night. It was quite suprising. I left walgreens after buying ragu spaghetti sauce for my already made spaghetti. The wind seemed to be picking up I noticed but didn't pay attention to. While I eating my dinner, weather reports would come on about an approaching storm. Still not taking too much notice to the oncoming shower, I continued my peaceful dinner. Then a branch broke off a tree in my backyard. I realized how real the storm was and thought back on the weather reports and how much purple there was over my little section of San Antonio.
I quickly ran outside and watched as the midnight blue clouds rolled in, on and seemingly over my house. Lightning struck closer and closer towards my house as my face began to be pelted with over thirty mile an hour winds. A green and yellow glow was seen within the trees not half a mile from my house. A power generator blew. I quickly ran inside to check my lights and of course, power was out. It was great. The torrential rain started to beat my house as if my humble abode somehow wronged the approaching storm. A clash of the titans in the heavens would do this storm justice, and just like that, it was over. A pure fresh smell fill the air as I stepped out into what looked like a battle, just barely finished, amongst Ents. The sky seemed... cleaner. Though there was damage to my neighborhood, everything was at ease. The warmth of the air and the coolness of the breeze was a feeling unlike any other.

A lot of times our Christian walk can take on this same face, only spiritually. Storms can roll into our lives unexpectedly, we can marvel at how powerful it really is, take cover, weather it and when it's over... Peace. A storm passed always leaves what it just destroyed pure. We can get so caught up in the storm and not even notice how peaceful and pure everything around us now is. I'd like to say that I take this thought to heart after every "storm" or "battle" in my life, but I don't. I thank God that I was able to witness all of this and for the time at work to ponder on such events. I know I grow, just from what God has already made. Cool.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?
-Rose Kennedy

Monday, May 31, 2010

My Week

Hm, no mood, food, or crude today, I need to head over to AAA's (Andrew, amanda and little andrews) =)

This week was spectacular. I was given the opportunity to see my favorite Paris folk. Paris Texas. Maybe not so cool to you as the "real" Paris, but it makes me more happy than any other place.

I can't ever go there without feeling like I am actually one of the family, and not just one family, but several. Jones's, Vaughn's, Franklands. It's great. Not many people know this but I struggled a lot growing up with feeling out of place. Like I didn't belong, I know it's stupid, but most of that stemmed from being the only kid with actual color on his skin. Most of my homeschool groups consisted of tight wad stick up their arse white kids who didn't know relationship from religionship (or religionshit). I guess some of those old feelings stuck, because words cannot describe the feelings I have when I go to Paris. All the love, the learning, the teaching, the growing and connecting. It's not something everyone who lives experiences.

From happy hour (sonic) trips, to walks with new friends, all the way to being welcomed into a family that I had never met, I'd have to say it was a great week.

Though there was all that love, I know I didn't spend as much time with God the father as I usually do. I was just so caught up in all my friends being around me I almost forgot how lovely and fulfilling a conversation with my daddy could be. It's all better now, I just know that there were some missed opportunities because of my lack of discipline to stay connected with Adonai.

Then there is the animosity between a good friend of mine and the family who I stayed with this week. I only felt awkward when his name was brought up, but one of them in particular is having a very hard time forgiving him. I can't blame her, she loves her brother, I just...I just wish he knew the web of friends he created and how his decisions set fire to that very web, burning and hurting all those intertwined within it.

Prayer prayer prayer. That always works. Period.

God you are my portion forever. I will be content with you and you will give me the wife of my youth when YOU see fit. I love you and will always seek after that love first, second, and last. You are the only love I seek.

Monday, March 8, 2010

My Object

I sit and wait,
bright color is my face.
My brothers all around,
all waiting to be found.
Round nickle-plated circle comes in,
my colored brother they win.
I start my decent,
they've chosen me their present!
Coddled in their hands,
everything is going as planned.
Joy and glee fills my lungs
wait...is that a tongue?
Things are going south,
for some reason, I'm in his mouth.
This isnt what I thought it'd be,
oh no, he's going to chew, isn't he?
OH MY GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS!
What could make this worse?!?
OW! With his tongue he is stretching me!
He is making bubbles with my body!
Oh the agony.
He spits me in the trash,
my life before my eyes a flash.
A jumbled, mangeld mess am I.
I look over and see my brother,
in the sam state he lie.
Hurt though we are,
We have eachother now
through pains and scars.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My Wishful Thinking

Mood: wishful Food: bleh none Crude: hill-billie thong


Robert Frost
"A man will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone."

Gotta love Bobby Frost, even if he can be a little weird at times.
It's funny how you can think you are walking on the path of eternity, everything is ok and for sure, and then out of no where you run into a group of feral house cats that scare you into on coming traffic. It's almost as if my fortress of solitude is now a stadium forever filled with highschool bands practicing 24/7. What do I do with life?

Sorry it's been so long since I've written, today was my ex girlfriends birthday and with this coming up, I havn't had much inspiration to write, unless it be self serving and emo. I just wish...nevermind. If I were to wish anymore, a genie would come out my ass.

Also nothing really exciting happens in the life of Nigel. Perhaps pizazz isn't something that happens to people, but rather is self inflicted. Can I really help if people look at my average life and not be amazed?
Lets see the things I could do
1. Rob a bank
2. Longboard down the biggest hill in my city
3. Tell my boss what a douche bag he is
4. Grow a mustache
5. Scientifically engineer mutant hamsters whose only purpose in life is to collectivly gather up all the change lying on the ground so that I would have a fortune (after I pay for all the equipment used to engineer the bloody rodents).

ok, now for the reasons WHY I cannot perform these miniscule tasks.
1. I am not johnny depp(public enemy), nor am I the Heath Ledger (joker) or billy the kid or anyone else who was criminal smart. I would probably end up robbing my own account.
2. I have already done this.
3. True the statment may be, however, if I have any hopes of not being kicked out of the rents, earning enough money to go to puerto rico for school in the summer, buy a two-thousand dollar camera, I will not speak such words (out loud)
4. Sure, that's what a guy who already is pronounced 100% Mexican but has no mex-blood in him needs. Especially since this guy is living in the south. Plus only a certain few men can pull off the stache and even fewer are they great men. Hulk Hogan, Theodore Roosevelt and Winston Churchill are several off the top of my head.
5. To have the funds to accomplish such a task would require the same genetically altered hamsters in the first place to gather the cash to supply said funds. Paradox.

Oh the life of me, how boring it may be.
I trudge along, doing nothing wrong.
Give me some excitment please.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Physician

Mood: Ecstatic Food: Co Co Puffs Crude: Uranus

It is three in the morning, I say goodnight to camfrog and go into my bedroom for round two with my arch nemesis - Sleep. The alarm goes off what seems like seconds later. 5:01 and I'm up and in the shower.
I had to visit the docs office today. If you know me, I am not a fan of docs. Not a fan of medicine, not a fan of prescription, not a fan of awkward physicals with hott doctors.
Not all was lost because it was a voluntary decision to visit, for it was for a study which upon leaving the screening i would walk away with a solid 50 dollars. Holla. Gas money for five days! Hells yea!
It's some Medical Study screening to see if you are capable in participating in the study and for the majority of it, it was quite awkward. Me not being an awkward person this only solidifies the statement.
Medical Study (6:30 AM)
Never had done one before, a study that is. They stuck us all in a room like guinea pigs with chairs so close together I can tell who managed to grab a stick of deodorant before leaving their humble abodes. One of the lady's name tags was upside down. Greeting fail.
I was the youngest there, by far. Was that just me getting a head start on life? People who were older and wiser were going to earn some extra dough? Maybe that's how families make it with our crippling economy.
Or was I stuck in a confined room filled with "Wal-mart" empolyees who just got off the creepy night shifts? Eh, Whatever
I had brought too many forms of intertainment. iPod, phone, book, two journals, news paper. Choices, I think when we have too much to choose from that we become indecisive.
7:30
They took my temperature...orally. Thank God. I know it seems quite ridiculous that they would do it any other way, but so far, this entire escapade of mine has been filled with oddities. Seroiusly, if an icecream truck filled with living knomes who handed out battle axes made of candle wax landed in the room, it would have made more sense than the tests they were putting us through and the questions they were asking. Out of pure bordem I decided to mess with the nurse.
Nurse: So do you suffer from amnesia?
Me: I don't remember what that is.
Nurse: Well, when you get older your brain begins to...
Me:No, I don't remember what that is...
Nurse: Oh! hahah stop it! Anyway, next question. Do you have sight problems?
Me: No mam.
Nurse: Do you have trouble hearing?
Me: What?
Nurse: Do you have trouble hearing?
Me:What?
Nurse: hahah stop it!

The density of her skull amazed me.
8:00
Urine Sample. They probably have cameras in the bathroom to make sure you don't fill the bottle with apple juice. Sneaky bastards.
Next is taking blood. I've never had blood drawn (and was not drugged up on morphine, unconscious) before today and truth be told, I was scared. A frightened fear doesn't describe it, it was more like an unsure child about to do something unknown to him. Always had a problem with needles.
my breathing becomes erratic,
my thoughts drift constantly towards fear without boundaries.
It is my turn
.....

8:15
Kaplah (which is Klingon for 'sucess')! Somewhat. Got a little light headed after the first time she stuck me. Ya, that's right, FIRST TIME getting blood drawn and I get to get freakin Intern Nurse! So she called over a more expierienced nurse because "his vein keeps moving". Oh ya, my fault that you keep stabbing my poor defensless arm in an attempt to vampire it. Thanks ITT Tech, you trained a nurse who is hell bent on making me look like an addict.
8:40
Hott doctor gave me a physical, only from the face to the shoulders, no action for me. Plus she is married, but strangly was not wearing a wedding ring. Hmmm.

All worth it when they handed me the fifty dollar check that I earned from slaying the bordom monster, fighting off crazies from wal mart, peeing in a cup, and being attacked by an assassin nurse with a very visible tattoo. Ya, super south side.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Shopping Spree

Mood: Tired as hell. Food: full. Crude: Ear Cheese

Vampire penguins, zombiefied guinea pigs? We're done for...


So, it's still raining. I got lost in my city. I hate down town. I hate mapquest more. I honestly think mapquest was created by college students who wanted to screw with people by randomly selecting one in every fifty users and sending them in the COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

By the time I made it to our lady of the lake university I already had to find parking (without paying) and grab the kids to run across town yet again to get them some food where mom could pick em up. Love the kids, but why does everything they do have to be so bloody far away?

Ok, Breakdown of men shopping vs women shopping.

Men - Figure out what they need
Women - Figure out what's NOT in their closet and go out looking for it.

Men - Go to where they need to go and purchase item.
Women - Find item, but continue looking just in case there is something else that they don't want at the moment that might reveal itself and pique their interest.

Men - Already home.
Women - Now have a shopping kart full of crap they don't need, require or even wanted upon discovering they were "missing something in life".

Men - Have money to hit up the bars later.
Women - Have daddies money to hit up the bars later.

So I wanted to hang out with my friend...well I'm not going to say her name, so we will call her blondie. Blondie and I hung out and went for coffee today, after we were done with coffee I told her I needed to buy a black button down shirt for a wedding I'm ushering in. She said she'd acompany me.
I plan out four places that might have the item I wish to procure and start with the mens warehouse. We walk in, the lady takes my measurements, hands me a shirt, I try it on and buy it. Simple enough. Done. It didn't take but five minutes of our time so I asked blondie if she needed anything and I'd take her to get it. She said she still had a barnes and nobles gift card and wanted to use it. I love book shopping. So off we went.
She tells me she wants this C.S. Lewis book so we go to the fiction section and she looks at the book. Somehow still undecided she wanders off to the "Classic" section and looks at books from Dickens to Thoreau. An HOUR AND A HALF and fifty other writers later she finally decides on the bloody book she looked at before. W. T. F. Oh and she purchases a magazine. Slowly I come back from my lethargic hibernation I placed myself in from what seems like months ago and gather up enough energy to drive her home.

Can someone tell me why girls do that?

My day

Mood: awake. (craving) Food: cheese sandwich. Crude: Monkey butt coffee beans.
So I keep a journal, a physical journal for all you sarcastic imbeciles whom would happily jump on that statement with your "well duh, you are blogging right now".
This physical journal usually keeps the majority of my thoughts, wishes, inspirations, emotions and annoyances whereas the blog keeps more of the deep things.

But my hand writing sucks. Real bad. I need to take some penmanship courses or something. Seriously, if you were to carve out the cave man wall etchings and place them in a shot gun, fire them point blank into a can of paint, then proceed to go Jackson Pollock on the paper, you would have to take another two steps back to even begin to comprehend the jibberish at which my writing suffers.
So today I "write" my plain thoughts in this blog.
I hate it when I have a great idea, or an epiphany but I am out or driving or with people or anything that really keeps me from journaling that very instant. For those of you who don't know me, I am quite forgetful. Yes yes, I do in fact suffer from male refrigerator blindness syndrome and other things as well, however, we are focusing on forgetting things.
I forgot my work shirt today and showed up for work, I forgot my garage door opener when I dropped my car off at the shop, I forgot what I was going to tell you I forgot next, I forget peoples names, their likes and dislikes, I forget to practice and most of all, I forget to write things down to remember them.
I had two somewhat important thoughts that I would have loved to convey to my audience of one (myself, seeing as I don't tell anyone about this blog and no one reads it but me) but couldn't find a pen and my journal in time to save the poor little idea's lives. So now I'm stuck here, between questionably insane and comically entertaining.

I guess I could always talk about the weather. It's quite rainy. Taa Daa.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Spouse(s)

The thought of marriage is something everyone thinks about at some point in their existence. Whether it be out of desire, hate, satisfaction, completion, planning or spontaneous.

When you finally believe that you have found that person, your heart sinks into the acidic pits of your stomach, but can't be burned because the love emanating from every artery of your heart is a shield to all that will attempt to hurt it. It is this love that makes our knees weak, our jaw unhinged until we salivate so much, it fries our brains until we can only babble like idiots at their presence.

And then two years later you find out how much of a Bitch they can be.

This is not a hate post, a broken heart post or otherwise. It is simply stating facts of life that we will all encounter when not following after the plan set for us by God. Not a plan of control, but of hardship, because lets face it, love ain't easy. God loves us whether we like it or not. And he will love us forever. Just sayin.

Anyway, just had a convo with the ex, she honestly believes herself to have completely turned her life around and now is "greater than thou", only it is out of her resilience towards any standard of living that "frees herself" from these humanistic ways of thinking us lowly ex boyfriends must retain.

She's a crazy psycho hose beast from hell.

Friday, January 22, 2010

My Choice

Every choice unwillingly has consequences on people known or unknown to you.

The actions we take will affect everyone around you one way or another. A life lesson to be learned from this is how those people answer your unspoken call is completely up to themselves. You may have opened a door to them, but they choose to walk through it or not.

To continue thinking that you made a person a certain way by the mistakes you made is not only self-destructive and problematic to others around you, but it is also extremely narcissistic.

Every choice we make has the potenial to butterfly effect in everyones life, seen or unseen. People are by nature products of their environment. They are imperfect, react and are all subject to murphy's law, they do however, always have a choice. They can choose to clam up, push people away, resort to humanistic ways of escape, keep the baby or not. We must always know that it may be the cause of pain, but is not the cause of choice. People either choose to react or respond. And that is their choice, and their choice alone.

What we do after wards is yet again, our choice. We can continue hurting ourselves looking for a way of escape, whether it's escaping what you know is right or what you know will ultimately help, or we can choose to give up the pieces. We are always saying how we are broken after something traumatic has happened, but that is always a chance to start anew.
I once was reading about chains, that held us to our past, being broken and it inspired me to start fresh. Upon said revelation I found a little dog tag chain that was unclasped. I proceeded to carry it around throughout the day as a sign that I am letting go of the past and moving on. It wasn't until I lost the chain that I realized that, metaphorically, I was continueing to hold onto the very chain I was freed from.
Those chains of old may have been broken, but we need to stop picking up the pieces and just let go completely to find true freedom.

Finally, to think for one second that you are the cause of someone elses path they now choose to walk is very vain. You are not the author of their story, you are not God in their lives who looks down on people and makes them do one thing or another. It is probably one of evil's best trick to make you think that you have all the control. Control of your own life, control of circumstances, control of her, him or them. It is most certainly a chain that is to be let go of.

The answer is simple, the choice is hard, but not out of reach.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Self

Flirting.

I have been told that latinos are more likely to be very forward with their flirting than most. There are no studies on this, no statistics or proof. There is only information.

Sipping on my Starbucks iced coffee I peacefully read my book in the brisk, beautiful sunny and bright day. My thoughts, blocked by the writers imagination on paper drew me into the characters and their lives. Ignoring all human senses other than that of thirst I drifted into a land of make believe.

Upon the climax of my story was the urgency to utilize the facilities. =)
Placing the book down, I made my way to the bathroom when I ran into two young, attractive girls I had never met.
"Should I mix banana smoothie with my chocolate smoothie? Or do you think that would taste bad?" The slightly more attractive one said to the other.

My first intial thought, nay, my first impulse was to explain to her the difference in taste between the two and start up a conversation that would lead me to explaining to her my history with Starbucks. Perhaps this would spark her interest.
I quickly regained consciouseness and continued on my previously unhindered path to the bathroom.

Why was it, that my first thought or REACTion was to flirt, woo, and or create a "connection bridge" which had no other purpose other than to get her affections for later purposes?
Was it my charismatic personality? Was it "Sin"? Was it lust?
Has my mind become so used to the idea of having someone care for me, that I go beyond my previous purpose (almost unconsciously), out of my way, in an attempt to get in her pants?

My mother once told me that she believed that one really starts having a handle on another language when they start dreaming in it.
A statistic showed that to make something a habit (doing something without thinking), you must consciously preform it over 35 times.

Have I degraded to the very disgusting male malicious behavior I abhorred? The Status Quo Men have in our days is one easily met, because it completely focuses on his own needs and desires. He has become society's detritus in his attempt to "hit it and quit it".

Focusing on the negative will not help me or anyone else. My habits are vicious right now, but that doesn't mean I have to continue living like that, though long learned habits aren't easily broken.

Creating new habits that will lead me away from the status quo is not easy, especially for one with a sexual past as colorful as my own. Treating woman how man was created to treat her, respectfully, honest and with a heart to watch out for HER safety are the habits that I want to posess when encountering situations that will present themselves in the future to come.
Or maybe I shouldn't be so A.D.D. and just use the bathroom when my body tells me too. =P