My Deaths

In every path you choose
Your life, you'll loose

May it be towards self
life, you now place on the shelf

But be it towards Christ
In your death you gain life

These roads are side by side
one is narrow, one is wide

Make the time now, the time to choose
Give up your life, so death you'll lose.

My Door

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, rather than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

For those of you who don't know who that is, he was the 'leader' of the band "Nirvana". He ended up blowing his brains out after their first album, which hit number one spots on many radio stations.

Statistically speaking, the majority of psychologists have serious issues themselves that they work out with shrinks, doctors and meds.

My old bible study leader was an amazing speaker. Someone who was driven by the Holy Spirit and loved the Lord with all her heart. She knew her scripture because she knew her Lord.
She suffered heavy depression and dealt with it on a regular basis. That didn't make her any less of a great teacher.

Sometimes lessons that make us our strongest must first make us our weakest.

David - A great King of Isreal; Today we would call him a sexual offender.

Job - A light for everyone to have faith; Today the world would accept him as someone who doesn't deal with their problems and in need of psychological help.

Moses - A leader chosen by God; Today the world would criticize his stutter and tell him he should write a self help book instead.

Sarah - God told her she would have a baby, even at her old age she kept the faith in His promises; Today the world would tell her to give up, it's physically impossible. Then they would marvel at the "medical breakthrough" of her having a child and then make sure she had people who would take care of their child after their "soon to be" deaths from age.

We know God wouldn't give them a child unless he prepared them to be able to raise him right.


What this world says is not helpful, God makes perfect. Beautiful. "Don't let anyone bring you down because you are young"
I (not adding to the Word) say don't let anyone bring you down, EVER. God doesn't use us like we are, we suck. Pieces of filth. It is only after we give up our weaknesses to Him does He send us on missions. Missions to save lives, rescue people from this dying world.

If you love Jesus, you are born twice and die once.
If you don't, you are born once...and die twice.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, I think because of recent events taking place, being as weak as I am right now, I just need to write this down to assure myself that God is working amazing things in me and my friends.
It's truth. Even if I'm being a little hysterical. I know His promises never fail.

My Storm

Hannah sits beside me, Rachel's melodious voice bounces off the empty walls, my new friend Alex attempts to make the Marte's tv produce sound. It's already a fun night.

Today was a long and muggy day. After I was able to block out the sounds of bugs buzzing by my ears, the day became almost...peaceful. A great time for thought. Peaceful pastime . Tranquil treaty. Captivating conciliation.

There was a rather tempestuous storm last night. It was quite suprising. I left walgreens after buying ragu spaghetti sauce for my already made spaghetti. The wind seemed to be picking up I noticed but didn't pay attention to. While I eating my dinner, weather reports would come on about an approaching storm. Still not taking too much notice to the oncoming shower, I continued my peaceful dinner. Then a branch broke off a tree in my backyard. I realized how real the storm was and thought back on the weather reports and how much purple there was over my little section of San Antonio.
I quickly ran outside and watched as the midnight blue clouds rolled in, on and seemingly over my house. Lightning struck closer and closer towards my house as my face began to be pelted with over thirty mile an hour winds. A green and yellow glow was seen within the trees not half a mile from my house. A power generator blew. I quickly ran inside to check my lights and of course, power was out. It was great. The torrential rain started to beat my house as if my humble abode somehow wronged the approaching storm. A clash of the titans in the heavens would do this storm justice, and just like that, it was over. A pure fresh smell fill the air as I stepped out into what looked like a battle, just barely finished, amongst Ents. The sky seemed... cleaner. Though there was damage to my neighborhood, everything was at ease. The warmth of the air and the coolness of the breeze was a feeling unlike any other.

A lot of times our Christian walk can take on this same face, only spiritually. Storms can roll into our lives unexpectedly, we can marvel at how powerful it really is, take cover, weather it and when it's over... Peace. A storm passed always leaves what it just destroyed pure. We can get so caught up in the storm and not even notice how peaceful and pure everything around us now is. I'd like to say that I take this thought to heart after every "storm" or "battle" in my life, but I don't. I thank God that I was able to witness all of this and for the time at work to ponder on such events. I know I grow, just from what God has already made. Cool.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?
-Rose Kennedy

My Week

Hm, no mood, food, or crude today, I need to head over to AAA's (Andrew, amanda and little andrews) =)

This week was spectacular. I was given the opportunity to see my favorite Paris folk. Paris Texas. Maybe not so cool to you as the "real" Paris, but it makes me more happy than any other place.

I can't ever go there without feeling like I am actually one of the family, and not just one family, but several. Jones's, Vaughn's, Franklands. It's great. Not many people know this but I struggled a lot growing up with feeling out of place. Like I didn't belong, I know it's stupid, but most of that stemmed from being the only kid with actual color on his skin. Most of my homeschool groups consisted of tight wad stick up their arse white kids who didn't know relationship from religionship (or religionshit). I guess some of those old feelings stuck, because words cannot describe the feelings I have when I go to Paris. All the love, the learning, the teaching, the growing and connecting. It's not something everyone who lives experiences.

From happy hour (sonic) trips, to walks with new friends, all the way to being welcomed into a family that I had never met, I'd have to say it was a great week.

Though there was all that love, I know I didn't spend as much time with God the father as I usually do. I was just so caught up in all my friends being around me I almost forgot how lovely and fulfilling a conversation with my daddy could be. It's all better now, I just know that there were some missed opportunities because of my lack of discipline to stay connected with Adonai.

Then there is the animosity between a good friend of mine and the family who I stayed with this week. I only felt awkward when his name was brought up, but one of them in particular is having a very hard time forgiving him. I can't blame her, she loves her brother, I just...I just wish he knew the web of friends he created and how his decisions set fire to that very web, burning and hurting all those intertwined within it.

Prayer prayer prayer. That always works. Period.

God you are my portion forever. I will be content with you and you will give me the wife of my youth when YOU see fit. I love you and will always seek after that love first, second, and last. You are the only love I seek.

My Object

I sit and wait,
bright color is my face.
My brothers all around,
all waiting to be found.
Round nickle-plated circle comes in,
my colored brother they win.
I start my decent,
they've chosen me their present!
Coddled in their hands,
everything is going as planned.
Joy and glee fills my lungs
wait...is that a tongue?
Things are going south,
for some reason, I'm in his mouth.
This isnt what I thought it'd be,
oh no, he's going to chew, isn't he?
OH MY GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS!
What could make this worse?!?
OW! With his tongue he is stretching me!
He is making bubbles with my body!
Oh the agony.
He spits me in the trash,
my life before my eyes a flash.
A jumbled, mangeld mess am I.
I look over and see my brother,
in the sam state he lie.
Hurt though we are,
We have eachother now
through pains and scars.

My Wishful Thinking

Mood: wishful Food: bleh none Crude: hill-billie thong


Robert Frost
"A man will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone."

Gotta love Bobby Frost, even if he can be a little weird at times.
It's funny how you can think you are walking on the path of eternity, everything is ok and for sure, and then out of no where you run into a group of feral house cats that scare you into on coming traffic. It's almost as if my fortress of solitude is now a stadium forever filled with highschool bands practicing 24/7. What do I do with life?

Sorry it's been so long since I've written, today was my ex girlfriends birthday and with this coming up, I havn't had much inspiration to write, unless it be self serving and emo. I just wish...nevermind. If I were to wish anymore, a genie would come out my ass.

Also nothing really exciting happens in the life of Nigel. Perhaps pizazz isn't something that happens to people, but rather is self inflicted. Can I really help if people look at my average life and not be amazed?
Lets see the things I could do
1. Rob a bank
2. Longboard down the biggest hill in my city
3. Tell my boss what a douche bag he is
4. Grow a mustache
5. Scientifically engineer mutant hamsters whose only purpose in life is to collectivly gather up all the change lying on the ground so that I would have a fortune (after I pay for all the equipment used to engineer the bloody rodents).

ok, now for the reasons WHY I cannot perform these miniscule tasks.
1. I am not johnny depp(public enemy), nor am I the Heath Ledger (joker) or billy the kid or anyone else who was criminal smart. I would probably end up robbing my own account.
2. I have already done this.
3. True the statment may be, however, if I have any hopes of not being kicked out of the rents, earning enough money to go to puerto rico for school in the summer, buy a two-thousand dollar camera, I will not speak such words (out loud)
4. Sure, that's what a guy who already is pronounced 100% Mexican but has no mex-blood in him needs. Especially since this guy is living in the south. Plus only a certain few men can pull off the stache and even fewer are they great men. Hulk Hogan, Theodore Roosevelt and Winston Churchill are several off the top of my head.
5. To have the funds to accomplish such a task would require the same genetically altered hamsters in the first place to gather the cash to supply said funds. Paradox.

Oh the life of me, how boring it may be.
I trudge along, doing nothing wrong.
Give me some excitment please.

My Physician

Mood: Ecstatic Food: Co Co Puffs Crude: Uranus

It is three in the morning, I say goodnight to camfrog and go into my bedroom for round two with my arch nemesis - Sleep. The alarm goes off what seems like seconds later. 5:01 and I'm up and in the shower.
I had to visit the docs office today. If you know me, I am not a fan of docs. Not a fan of medicine, not a fan of prescription, not a fan of awkward physicals with hott doctors.
Not all was lost because it was a voluntary decision to visit, for it was for a study which upon leaving the screening i would walk away with a solid 50 dollars. Holla. Gas money for five days! Hells yea!
It's some Medical Study screening to see if you are capable in participating in the study and for the majority of it, it was quite awkward. Me not being an awkward person this only solidifies the statement.
Medical Study (6:30 AM)
Never had done one before, a study that is. They stuck us all in a room like guinea pigs with chairs so close together I can tell who managed to grab a stick of deodorant before leaving their humble abodes. One of the lady's name tags was upside down. Greeting fail.
I was the youngest there, by far. Was that just me getting a head start on life? People who were older and wiser were going to earn some extra dough? Maybe that's how families make it with our crippling economy.
Or was I stuck in a confined room filled with "Wal-mart" empolyees who just got off the creepy night shifts? Eh, Whatever
I had brought too many forms of intertainment. iPod, phone, book, two journals, news paper. Choices, I think when we have too much to choose from that we become indecisive.
7:30
They took my temperature...orally. Thank God. I know it seems quite ridiculous that they would do it any other way, but so far, this entire escapade of mine has been filled with oddities. Seroiusly, if an icecream truck filled with living knomes who handed out battle axes made of candle wax landed in the room, it would have made more sense than the tests they were putting us through and the questions they were asking. Out of pure bordem I decided to mess with the nurse.
Nurse: So do you suffer from amnesia?
Me: I don't remember what that is.
Nurse: Well, when you get older your brain begins to...
Me:No, I don't remember what that is...
Nurse: Oh! hahah stop it! Anyway, next question. Do you have sight problems?
Me: No mam.
Nurse: Do you have trouble hearing?
Me: What?
Nurse: Do you have trouble hearing?
Me:What?
Nurse: hahah stop it!

The density of her skull amazed me.
8:00
Urine Sample. They probably have cameras in the bathroom to make sure you don't fill the bottle with apple juice. Sneaky bastards.
Next is taking blood. I've never had blood drawn (and was not drugged up on morphine, unconscious) before today and truth be told, I was scared. A frightened fear doesn't describe it, it was more like an unsure child about to do something unknown to him. Always had a problem with needles.
my breathing becomes erratic,
my thoughts drift constantly towards fear without boundaries.
It is my turn
.....

8:15
Kaplah (which is Klingon for 'sucess')! Somewhat. Got a little light headed after the first time she stuck me. Ya, that's right, FIRST TIME getting blood drawn and I get to get freakin Intern Nurse! So she called over a more expierienced nurse because "his vein keeps moving". Oh ya, my fault that you keep stabbing my poor defensless arm in an attempt to vampire it. Thanks ITT Tech, you trained a nurse who is hell bent on making me look like an addict.
8:40
Hott doctor gave me a physical, only from the face to the shoulders, no action for me. Plus she is married, but strangly was not wearing a wedding ring. Hmmm.

All worth it when they handed me the fifty dollar check that I earned from slaying the bordom monster, fighting off crazies from wal mart, peeing in a cup, and being attacked by an assassin nurse with a very visible tattoo. Ya, super south side.