The royalty must die like common beggars and petty thieves...
Letting whomever is reading this know that this post is not for those who are easy to judge. There will be things you do not agree with in this post, but this is MY blog. Suck it up or don't read it.
"Nigel, MY purpose for your life begins today..."
Those are the words God said to me the second day of the youth camp "desperation" and I knew God had me there. Three years ago I really believed God called me into the ministry as a pastor. Seminary, pastoral counsel and discipleship were beginning to become as real as my days of highschool, yet as fictitious as the end of a dream.
Then it all fell apart when I lost my virginity.
Today, I sit here, seemingly dreaming at the notice of my "acceptance" to DLA (Desperation Leadership Academy). The thing God was calling me to, the way He was providing for me to reach His purposes. I've come a long way since 18 and I have a long way to go, but everything....EVERYTHING has just been training, preparation...boot camp for the rest of my life. It's odd to think about, thinking you had a plan for your life, though somewhat uneasy about it. I am so CERTAIN and trusting in God that the journey this pilgrim must travel has finally begun. It makes me happy.
And yet...at the same time...I've never been struck with such a selfish mindset daily in my life. A huge piece of me desires to spend the next ten years doing whatever the hell I want.
I want to move to colorado (not for DLA) and grow pot and smoke it for a year, maybe two. And just live like that, chillin always. I might sell, I might have a job, my days, however, will be filled with weed and the writings, readings, paintings and pictures from yours truly.
I'd like to be a night shift gas station clerk at a sketchy gas station. There is a kind of crazy those clerks see in people that is usually reserved for the asylums. Being a little off in oneself they probably do not get bothered very often except for the occasional robber, in which case I would pull out one of my guns and kill him.
I want to be a nomad. Traveling no where. Eating whatever. Living...ya. Travel with weirdos, spazmatics not knowing destination but that's not what it's about. It's about the journey. Meeting new people.
I'd also like to marry a friend of mine, Jenne. I don't know her that well, but I've never had a bad time talking to her and she likes to have fun. She's extremely funny, cute, ambitious and the type of person that "doesn't give a fuck". I don't know if it'd work, but I'd never stop trying.
This is more fantasy than reality but I'd like to become an assassin. They are not good. I know. But the thrill. Of the kill...having complete control. Seems a little sadistic, but tell me one person who is NOT crazy in the confines of their own mind and I will check myself into a psych hospital.
I'd also like to be a scuba diving instructor. There is so much beauty we don't see on a regular basis merely for the fact that our feeble human bodies cannot live without air. Such a plentiful gas, yet one substance it can't penetrate and our lives (if we can call them lives) end.
I guess that's what it boils down too, I don't believe that I've "lived" it up. Do I want to party and have huge orgies and do every drug known to man? No. I simply desire the adrenaline of any of the life-styles above.
It's odd, I've never had such impulsive thoughts in my life until I decided on my future. What I decided is that I don't have a future apart from God's plan and purpose for me...which is awesome. It's love. But when I make a decision finally, other opportunities become more...desirable. It's a struggle but I know I'm making the right decision.
Still, I wouldn't live the ways I presented forever. Around thirty I would have probably come back to reality. Just ten years.
That would just be a third of my life at the end of it. It's not THAT bad. I guess.
Speak truth into me
my life I leave
Don't let me go I plead
You are God and I love you.
Letting whomever is reading this know that this post is not for those who are easy to judge. There will be things you do not agree with in this post, but this is MY blog. Suck it up or don't read it.
"Nigel, MY purpose for your life begins today..."
Those are the words God said to me the second day of the youth camp "desperation" and I knew God had me there. Three years ago I really believed God called me into the ministry as a pastor. Seminary, pastoral counsel and discipleship were beginning to become as real as my days of highschool, yet as fictitious as the end of a dream.
Then it all fell apart when I lost my virginity.
Today, I sit here, seemingly dreaming at the notice of my "acceptance" to DLA (Desperation Leadership Academy). The thing God was calling me to, the way He was providing for me to reach His purposes. I've come a long way since 18 and I have a long way to go, but everything....EVERYTHING has just been training, preparation...boot camp for the rest of my life. It's odd to think about, thinking you had a plan for your life, though somewhat uneasy about it. I am so CERTAIN and trusting in God that the journey this pilgrim must travel has finally begun. It makes me happy.
And yet...at the same time...I've never been struck with such a selfish mindset daily in my life. A huge piece of me desires to spend the next ten years doing whatever the hell I want.
I want to move to colorado (not for DLA) and grow pot and smoke it for a year, maybe two. And just live like that, chillin always. I might sell, I might have a job, my days, however, will be filled with weed and the writings, readings, paintings and pictures from yours truly.
I'd like to be a night shift gas station clerk at a sketchy gas station. There is a kind of crazy those clerks see in people that is usually reserved for the asylums. Being a little off in oneself they probably do not get bothered very often except for the occasional robber, in which case I would pull out one of my guns and kill him.
I want to be a nomad. Traveling no where. Eating whatever. Living...ya. Travel with weirdos, spazmatics not knowing destination but that's not what it's about. It's about the journey. Meeting new people.
I'd also like to marry a friend of mine, Jenne. I don't know her that well, but I've never had a bad time talking to her and she likes to have fun. She's extremely funny, cute, ambitious and the type of person that "doesn't give a fuck". I don't know if it'd work, but I'd never stop trying.
This is more fantasy than reality but I'd like to become an assassin. They are not good. I know. But the thrill. Of the kill...having complete control. Seems a little sadistic, but tell me one person who is NOT crazy in the confines of their own mind and I will check myself into a psych hospital.
I'd also like to be a scuba diving instructor. There is so much beauty we don't see on a regular basis merely for the fact that our feeble human bodies cannot live without air. Such a plentiful gas, yet one substance it can't penetrate and our lives (if we can call them lives) end.
I guess that's what it boils down too, I don't believe that I've "lived" it up. Do I want to party and have huge orgies and do every drug known to man? No. I simply desire the adrenaline of any of the life-styles above.
It's odd, I've never had such impulsive thoughts in my life until I decided on my future. What I decided is that I don't have a future apart from God's plan and purpose for me...which is awesome. It's love. But when I make a decision finally, other opportunities become more...desirable. It's a struggle but I know I'm making the right decision.
Still, I wouldn't live the ways I presented forever. Around thirty I would have probably come back to reality. Just ten years.
That would just be a third of my life at the end of it. It's not THAT bad. I guess.
Speak truth into me
my life I leave
Don't let me go I plead
You are God and I love you.
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